Season 4, Episode 40: The Tale of the Renegade Virus

Gary’s introduction: The human brain. It’s got a trillion bits of information, just like a computer. And if a virus got into your brain, there is no telling what might happen, or where the destruction would end. (Little-known fact: this segment is taken directly from the World Health Organization website.)

Review: The Renegade Virus is an old-school episode, which probably means more flannel, more high-waisted pants, and more unwanted appearances of recurring characters. At the beginning of the episode, Gary is uncharacteristically late for the campfire meeting. Maybe he forgot what time the Midnight Society meets. Oh no, not to worry - "He has a computer virus," Frank says. "Every time he tries to print something, it gets erased." Betty Ann nods and replies, "Scary!" Scary, really? I mean, inconvenient, definitely. Annoying. But if that's our definition of scary, this doesn't bode well for the rest of the season. "Every time he wants to go to bed, he has to move his laptop to the bedside table! You won't sleep for weeks!"

Gary gives us the lay of the land, and oh boy, we are building an elementary school on a swamp here. I can't actually imagine anything less interesting than a really mean computer virus, but you know what, I'm probably speaking too soon. I haven't reviewed The Tale of the Chameleons yet.

We start this thrilling episode with the image of a computer screen flashing "WARNING" and a skull and crossbones. I appreciate the thought, Nickelodeon, but I’ve already accepted that this story is going to be painfully bad. There’s no turning back now. So the computer screen disappears, and we’re taken to the comfortable familiarity of a buzzing alarm clock. Simon reaches to turn it off, then (in his sleep, mind you) grabs a basketball off the floor and throws it into a hoop on his wall. I’m sorry, what? I was able to suspend my disbelief for Air Bud, but this is far more ridiculous than a clown dog being allowed to start in a middle school basketball game.

The episode begins with a heartwarming interaction with several department store mannequins who turn out to be Simon's parents. It's never referenced again, but I think the real scary story here is the deadened look in Simon's dad's eyes. They enjoy a hearty breakfast of silence and then Simon runs off to start his campaign for the title of Worst Friend Ever.

Simon and Evan are best friends, which means they do all the classic best friend activities like playing catch, telling dumb jokes, and stealing each other's bikes and making them late for school. Evan goes to talk to the girl he has a crush on, but unfortunately, she and Simon are getting married on Saturday and wonder if Evan can check coats, thanks so much.

Fortunately for Simon, Evan is pretty forgiving, and since going to class is just a convenient plot device sometimes, they run off to play computer games with their favorite teacher. Like so many middle school science teachers, he's working on the virtual reality revolution. He says he has an idea that will "change the world." And he may be right, as long as he's thinking of Groupon.

He asks Simon if he wants to play his new virtual reality game where the controllers are in his brain. Dare to dream, 1992. Of course, Simon says yes and chooses the "Knights of the Round Table" simulation. For a second, the teacher's computer screen flashes WARNING and a skull and crossbones, but then it goes away, so I'm sure everything is just fine.

The teacher starts the game, and Simon blacks out and wakes up in his bed. He picks up his basketball to throw it into the hoop -- and MISSES. Little-known fact: the second sign of being trapped in an evil game is poor hand-eye coordination. The first is being a character in an Are You Afraid of the Dark episode.

So Simon wanders around his house, and in a surprisingly scary turn of events, his parents are missing but he can hear them talking all around him. This scene seems like it might be going somewhere good until Simon's bike rides past him on its own. What? I don't know much about computer viruses, but I think some of this science might come from the National Research Institute of Making Shit Up.

Simon hears his dad calling him from the next room, and when he goes in, his dad's desk chair is swiveled around to face the window. Gosh, could the person sitting in it possibly not be his father? How many times has the old swiveled-around-desk-chair trick been used on television? A zillion? More? You can't change the channel these days without seeing someone sitting in a chair that they normally wouldn't be sitting in.

Anyway, the chair turns around, and SURPRISE! It's not his dad! It's:

a. A midget with a metallic face!
b. Evan, completely naked!
c. A DEADLY AND UNBEATABLE GAME.

And the answer iiiiiissss ... B! No, just kidding, it's the even more improbable answer, A. Let me say it one more time, slowly, in case you didn't catch it: A. Midget. With. A. Metallic. Face. He tells Simon that he's a computer virus, and that now Simon is trapped in the game, he'll be able to input himself from the computer into Simon's brain, where he'll be able to cause "some real damage." Of course, Simon is a weak, gangly 13-year-old, so I hope the damage he's looking to do is all semen-related.

Simon protests - if this is a game, don't there have to be rules?! - and hold up a second. I can't believe I actually didn't realize this was another episode about a deadly game. I feel like I'm trapped in my own personal Groundhog Day, without the mannish attractiveness of Andie MacDowell. The midget virus replies that there is one rule: "I win, you lose." I assume that the second rule of computer virus club is that you do NOT talk about computer virus club. Because it's stupid.

So Simon has ten minutes before he's overtaken by an evil midget. Suddenly the house disappears and he's back in school, except obviously he's still in the game so everyone is mean and the school is locked. His best friend shows up with the girl he likes, he gets all the answers wrong in class, and suddenly he's in his boxers and looks like Skeletor. Sounds like pretty much every day of middle school ever, if you ask me.

He gets out of the school and runs back to his house, where the smartest thing is obviously to get onto the computer. He turns it on and sees Evan's face, and are you ready for the crazy twist? It turns out that Evan put the computer virus in the game, knowing that his friend would play it! Hold the phone. I mean, I know Simon stole Evan's personal possessions and the girl of his dreams, but siccing an evil midget on your friend is pretty low.

Simon explains that the midget is going to take over his brain, and Evan says he had no idea that the virus would get this bad - it's running its own programming now, and the only way to stop it is with the abort code! Ah yes, the abort code, so useful in so many unwanted situations.

Evan is about to tell Simon the secret code, but then the computer dies and there are negative seconds left before the Yeerks enter Simon's brain or whatever is supposed to happen. Simon tries out a few codes - Evan? Stacy? 8008S? - and none of them work. Think, Simon, think! What's the only set of numbers a middle-schooler has to remember? No, it's not the Parental Settings DVD code, it's his locker combination! Simon plugs it in just in time, and the virus' dreams of greatness are trampled like so many midgets in line for concert tickets.

Simon returns to the computer lab, where everything is back to normal. Evan apologizes for almost putting an irreversible computer virus in Simon's brain, and Simon forgives him by stealing Evan's bike again. Hey Mr. DJ, put on some Vitamin C. I think what we have here is a case of friends forever.

Least Interesting Twist Ever: I forgot to mention that as Evan and Simon walk away, we see a janitor wheeling a trashcan ... WITH THE MIDGET'S GLOVED HAND REACHING OUT OF IT! We might have gotten rid of that computer virus, guys, but we still have a pretty bitchy, shiny small person on our hands. We are not out of the woods yet.

Don't Take Stock Tips from Frank: "The only thing scary about computers is the people who use them." Yes, and stop all this nonsense about heavier-than-air flying machines while you're at it.

Conclusions: Oh my holy God. There is absolutely no twist I can put on this episode to make it not horrible. The only trivia I can provide is that after this episode, Gary was tarred and feathered and run out of town in a wagon. I'm just assuming.

Season 1, Episode 2: The Tale of Laughing in the Dark

Introduction from Betty Ann: The park was called Playland. It was the best. You could laugh and scream and get scared to death on rides, and stuff up on junk food and ditch your parents, all in one night. And there was a spookhouse called Laughing in the Dark ...

Synopsis: This episode starts without an introduction, which is frustrating because they usually let you know what to expect on the Painful Meter. On a scale from "generally uninteresting" to "the zombie apocalypse sounds great right now", I'm going to put this one at a healthy "Really?" At least it's better than the introduction where Frank reveals that he is indeed afraid of the dark. Come on, who's going to buy the Nickelodeon cow if they can get the Central Question of the Show milk for free? That's just poor planning. Let's just put it out there in the first episode: Tony's the boss, alright? Are you happy?

Anyway, the story starts, and immediately Kristen starts to pack up her stuff. Oh, this is a clown story, and she's terrified of clowns. Come on, Kristen, most of these stories are about male puberty, and you don't see Tucker going anywhere.

The kids use the crushing pressure of social scorn to make her stay, and seriously now, the story is starting. Apparently Playland is the best park ever, the kind of park where you can laugh, scream, get scared to death, eat junk food, ditch your parents, become slave children for one-handed carnies, anything! Anything is possible! And this particular night, it was jammed with "thousands" of people, because by Playland I meant Woodstock, duh.

Three of those thousands of kids are Josh, Weegee, and his sister Kathy. Hold the phone for just one second: Weegee? What is that short for? Luigi? Ouiji Board? I guess the first one is marginally better, but still, come on. Josh is the typical AYAOTD best friend (all together now): a huge douchebag. Just like Tucker, he's not afraid of anything, he mocks his friends for being scared, and he will eventually go on to make an appearance in "Mean Girls." After riding one of the vomit-inducing rides that are so rare at cheap carnivals, he and Weegee approach Laughing in the Dark, the one ride in the park that's supposed to be haunted. Apparently weird things happen in there all the time, which is totally unexpected considering it's a haunted house. It's especially haunted by the spirits of outdated animatronic vampires.

Josh thinks about going into the spookhouse, and luckily, there to welcome him is a friendly carnival worker. Of course, sometimes "friendly" means "probably on parole", like right now. He bears a striking resemblance to AYAOTD veteran Dr. Vink, but that's because it's actually just the same actor, diversifying his resume by playing another creepy old man. Josh says he'll go on the ride later, and Dr. Vink II tells him to come back any time - apparently he's literally always there. I love when AYAOTD skips over the lame horrors of clown attacks for the more serious horror of homelessness.

Back at home, Weegee inspects an old newspaper clipping he found tucked away in an old journal in the wall or something. They reminisce for a second about the days when they used to live in a boxcar, and then Weegee reveals the startling twist: Laughing in the Dark is not the original funhouse. It has been remodeled. They hired an overpriced construction company. Just kidding - I mean, that's true too, but they remodeled it because in the 1920's, a clown named Zeebo tried to steal the whole carnival's payroll of $4,000. I mean, it doesn't sound like a lot, but consider the fact that they're obviously giving that spookhouse guy free room and board on the ground outside his ride.

Anyway, Zeebo tried to hide in the Laughing the Dark funhouse, but his penchant for victory cigars got the better of him, and the funhouse burned down. According to the newspaper, they tried to save him ... oh, but they couldn't, too bad so sad, so instead they made a mock Zeebo and put it at the end of the haunted house. You know, to honor his memory. By trapping him in there for all eternity.

There are an awkward few minutes where Josh chases Kathy and tries to tickle her, which she puts a stop to by HITTING HIM IN THE HEAD WITH A GARBAGE CAN LID. "Don't mess, or I'll bung you in the head!" she says menacingly. Okay.

Josh and Weegee (FOUR E'S PEOPLE) make a bet that if Josh makes it through Laughing in the Dark alone and steals Zeebo's nose, Weegee will wear the nose to school for a week. That seems a little harsh until you consider that they're already wearing shirts from a woman's plus size store, so really it probably won't make much difference.

So they return to the park, and Josh goes into the funhouse alone. Man, I sure wish we had a poem to set the mood of what's to come. Oh, what's that? "It's the most fun in the park/When you're laughing in the dark." You thought the pirate ship was cool, but you have no idea. Turn off the lights and have a giggle, you'll practically shit yourself.

Josh goes through the haunted house, which, yeah, awful. The scariest monster is probably a zombie in a plaid shirt, which is accurate because 90's fashion has always been the most terrifying thing about this show. There's also a dragon that comes out of the wall and breathes fire. How did that get put in? Did someone say, "Okay, guys, hear me out. I know that one guy died in a terrible funhouse fire a few years ago, but I think I've got the solution: more fire." Yep, that's a lawsuit just waiting to happen.

Josh makes it to the end of the funhouse, which is a room with six different doors. Time for another rhyme: "Pick the right door and you'll go free/Pick the wrong door, and there he'll be." Hey Josh, I've got some catchy advice for you: "Getting stalked by clowns is probably horrid/P.S. Return your shirt to Torrid." Anyway, Josh picks the Zeebo door, and when the clown comes out in true, not-scary, totally-animatronic fashion, he steals his nose. SWEET. Finally, a reason to make fun of Weegee!

So Josh takes the nose and says, "You just made me a hero. I'm the guy who beat Zeebo." Yes, they'll be talking about this for years down in the old diner. That time you won your town the race, and touched a dead burn victim's face. Man, I should really just write for this show.

They stop the story for a second here because someone in the Midnight Society (probably Eric, let's just be honest) has a cramp, which, I have to admit, I thought was, "I have to crap." Hold on, guys, call of nature. Don't mind me. I'll just be twenty feet behind you in the forest, attracting bears and outdoorsy fetishists to our campground.

After that brief distraction, we get back to Josh, who is spending the night home alone because his parents are at the theatre. He starts heating up some spaghetti in the microwave when THE PHONE RINGS. Oh, but don't worry, it's just Weegee. But then THE PHONE RINGS AGAIN. Oh, but don't worry, it's just a gravelly-voiced clown demanding his nose back. I wonder if that spaghetti is done yet?

Josh goes to check on his food, but mysteriously, the whole microwave has filled with cigar smoke. What, Josh, you didn't want Linguini a la THC? Picky, picky. Zeebo has somehow replaced his spaghetti with lots of cigars, and when Josh looks down, he sees that Zeebo has written a "Z" in chocolate pudding on the ground. Here follows a sequence of Zeebo doing somewhat creepy but mostly useless things, like blowing up a balloon that says, "Give it back." At no point during this blatant case of breaking and entering does Josh think to call the police, though. Well, whatever, they're probably on Zeebo's side anyway, this town's chockablock with corrupt cops and their thieving red-wigged cronies.

Finally Josh goes back to the fairground, where the rides are all turned off - except for Laughing in the Dark. And now get ready for the most disappointing ending of all time: Josh goes back to the Zeebo door, gives the clown the nose and some complimentary cigars, and ... leaves. And that is actually the end. Oh, except for the fact that maybe Dr. Vink II is Zeebo, or Zeebo's friend, or something. The evidence is that they're both creepy and like cigars, which means ... oh shit ...



Wait, what?: Not only does the spookhouse feature a fire-breathing dragon, it also apparently burns cigars to produce cigar smoke out of the Zeebo-face sign. But don't worry, God himself couldn't sink this ship.

Just one more time for good measure: Weegee. WEEGEE.

Conclusionz: One of the better episodes, all in all. At least with Betty Ann we don't have to hear about Dr. Vink or a deadly game, amirite? A lot of people remember this one being scary, but I think they might be confusing it with "The Tale of the Crimson Clown." If you're questioning my judgement, remember that the scariest thing about this episode was actually a hot dish full of cigars. And that right there is my anti-drug.

Season 1, Episode 13: The Tale of the Pinball Wizard

Gary's Introduction: When you play a game like this, it really doesn't matter whether you win or lose, because you can press reset, and you get another game. Another chance. But what if it really did count? What if you had to beat the game, or the game would beat you? And there were no resets, no replays. No second chances. (It's almost like the GAME OF LIFE. How depressing.)

Synopsis:
This episode begins with Frank's troubling addiction to GameBoy. Most of the members seem pretty emotionally invested in the game, and when Eric takes the game away, Frank's hands start to shake a little bit. Is this episode going to be a metaphor about the dangers of heroin addiction? Oh, no, don't worry, it's ANOTHER DEADLY GAME.

Ross Campbell is apparently the kind of kid who is "on his own a lot", which might explain why the episode begins with him fishing coins out of the mall fountain. I could understand this if the fountain was full of, say, Sacajawea dollars, but the camera zooms in on a pile of dirty pennies. Sweet! If he just does this about 1,000 more times, he'll be well on his way to six issues of Nickelodeon magazine.

Ross reaches in for the penny, but times are hard in the Shadybrook Mall, because he gets intercepted by a bag lady who claims she "saw [the penny] first." Man, how bad was the economy in the 90's? Unfortunately for Ross, the fight over the priceless penny gets spotted by a mall cop, who finds it necessary to run down the stairs to arrest the homeless woman. Hey, maybe he wants a slice of that sweet penny action, too.

After his narrow escape from mall security, Ross wanders into a dark shop, where Mr. Olson is putting a model throne into a box. Let's just put it out there now: what the hell does Mr. Olson actually do? The shelf behind him is full of ceramic horse heads, and then the next room has a broken pinball machine and a bunch of rope. Oh, and the front window features a masked man carrying one of those spikey swinging balls. You know, just the place that all the kids are applying to work over the summer holidays. Ross tries to convince Mr. Olson to give him a job - those ceramic horse heads do not make themselves, people - and says that Olson "won't have to fire him like he did Steve." Wuh-oh, scary music! Either Mr. Olson and Steve had a lover's quarrel, or all the ex-employees have been chopped up and made into pinballs. At this point, I would be calling the Better Business Bureau, but that's why I'm sitting here blogging and Ross is going to get trapped in an un-escapeable game.

Ross goes to play one of the Not Evil Pinball Machines, but Mr. Olson stops him, saying he's closing up shop to go and eat lunch. Ross says that he can watch the store while Mr. Olson's gone, so that customers can come in and he won't miss out on the business. Okay, Olson says, but Ross can't touch the cash register or any of the merchandise. Wait, what? Is there some kind of method of business transaction that I'm not aware of? Maybe in this store, the only acceptable currency is YOUR LIFE. Or maybe this is why Mr. Olson is carving ceramic angel wings and not running a pretzel stand.

Oh, Ross also isn't allowed to go to the bathroom. That was probably Steve's first mistake.

I'm sure no one could see this coming, but Mr. Olson actually can't trust Ross, because he goes straight to the unfinished pinball game and starts to play it. Who woulda thunk it? One minute, you're stealing coins from the mall fountain, the next, you're an unreliable employee. I NEED MORE FORESHADOWING HERE.

The doorbell jingles and Ross turns to see the hottest girl ever to appear in an AYAOTD episode. I mean, really. Wow.

She apparently left her broken music box with Mr. Olson, so either Mr. Olson is in charge of the Island of Misfit Toys, or Gary's getting unexpectedly Freudian on us. We get to watch for about a billion awkward minutes while Ross pretends that he actually works at the store and the girl calls him out on it. This interaction serves as a prequel to one of Gary's later stories, The Tale of the Inconvenient Erection.

I don't remember pinball games having multiple levels and a vast variety of characters, but apparently I have early onset Alzheimer's, because this game is seriously the precursor to Halo. Unfortunately, that means that when Ross is done, the mall is closed and Mr. Olson is gone. It reminds me of when I used to play the Sims for twelve hours in a row, and then realized I wasn't a depressed, hungry, broke thirty-year-old man, but in fact an awkward twelve-year-old girl with bad hair.

So Ross realizes he's alone in the locked mall. A dream come true! Go for the fountain, Ross, the fountain! Before he can get to those sweet free pennies, though, the phone rings and a mysterious voice utters the scariest line ever written: "Got an umbrella?!" Not the Tale of the Scattered Showers, noooo! But the magical mall must know about Gary's monetary problem, because quarters start raining from the sky. Before he can go crazed with greed and fish them all out of the fountain, though, twenty suited, sunglass-wearing men show up and start dancing in unison. Take the red pill, Ross! Go down the rabbit hole! Morpheus knows the way!

Fortunately for Ross and the plot of this episode, everyone is afraid of water, which is lucky when you spend so much of your time in public fountains. Just as he's scaring away the multiple suited men, Hot Sophie appears on the balcony as a princess and yells at him to get the tiara from "the vault." When I say vault, I of course mean the mall lockers, which is probably where Geraldo Rivera made his first mistake.

Ross opens the first locker and gets a hilarious faceful of green goop. Turns out the Secret Slime Action was "looking for the tiara," which, in true 90's fashion, turns out to be a headband. Ross chases after Sophie, only to run into a witch and be blown back by her terrifying feather breath. She takes the headband/tiara, and Ross finds Sophie tied up in the back room of Mr. Olson's shop. They almost get killed by a masked, mace-wielding man, which is followed by a lot of running away, throwing things at the witch, and Ross failing at life and getting sent back to the beginning.

I started to question Ross' intelligence a little bit around the point he said, "Wait a minute! This is the pinball game!" No shit, Ross, all the characters are exactly the same and everything you touch makes pinball-machine noises. I'm starting to think we're not in the Shadybrook Mall anymore, Toto. Ann Taylor Loft isn't even open!

So, realizing the whole thing is a game and he's spent his entire life being good at nothing but games, Ross grabs a water gun and heads to the evil king's crowning ceremony. If you're expecting a sweet final fight scene here, you're probably out of luck, because pretty much everyone is killed with a blast of water. Ross finally has to face the king, who tells him, "You shouldn't play the game, boy!" Wait ... the game, boy? THE GAMEBOY? Goddammit, how many of these episodes were funded by Sega?

Ross crowns the princess, but alas, he ends up back at the beginning of the game, where Mr. Olson's increasingly more unattractive face appears above him. Mr. Olson tells Ross that since he just had to play the game, he can play it ... forever! Too bad that hot chick peaced out, that's going to be a long, lonely life. Then Mr. Olson lets out an evil laugh for, I shit you not, about six minutes. It's at least 1/3 of the episode. Ross looks up and sees a giant silver ball at the top of the escalator, and apparently "when Ross saw that ball, he knew he would never get out." Man, if I had a dollar for every time a pinball signaled eternal damnation, I would have ... nothing. I would have nothing at all.

Possible Plagiarism Alert: I'm pretty sure that title is taken from a popular song by The Who. That's right, I'm of course talking about "My Generation."

Get Your Facts Straight, AYAOTD: Guys, there is no reset button on a Game Boy. So either Gary is twisting the facts to make a deep and profound comment about the permanence of our decisions ... or this is POSSESSED GAME BOY V. 3.0!!1! Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call you on your bullshit, Gary.

Conclusionz: I've often heard that "The Tale of the Pinball Wizard" is the favorite episode of many AYAOTD watchers. I mean, that makes sense. Who wouldn't want to be trapped in a mall for all eternity? So much time, so little variety in Charlotte Russe's fall collection.

Season 6, Episode 3: The Tale of Jake the Snake

Synopsis: Season 6 has already featured two episodes about a potentially lethal game, so for a change of pace, episode three is about - wait for it - a potentially lethal game. Instead of zombie dice or magicalforestland, though, The Most Dangerous Game in this episode is ... hockey. Hey, no one said that AYAOTD couldn't tackle the pressing cultural issues of our generation. This is like point/counterpoint with The Mighty Ducks, the point being that hockey is awesome and helps kids make friends and the counterpoint being that hockey will turn you into an evil reptile person.

We're back with the New, Improved, and Slightly Uglier Midnight Society. My favorite thing about the Society is that they're not actually friends, which begs the question: how did they manage to get this off the ground? Are some middle schoolers just known for their love of late-night forest meetings and scary stories? Did Tucker advertise on Craigslist? Near the end of this episode, sassy black Society member Quinn says, "If you tell anyone I'm doing this, you'll meet my friend, Senor Fist." If there's one thing that will ruin your social standing in middle school, it's a secret ghost story club. Never mind your pink high-tops and awkward overbite.

Because Tucker is the leader (and part of a long dynasty of Midnight Society participants), you would think he would start off with a story that made sense, had a cool title, and didn't have gaping plotholes. In case you didn't catch it, the key part of that sentence was, "You would think." Tucker obviously didn't, because this story is one of the worst I have ever heard, and that includes RL Stine's Chicken Chicken.

So Tucker throws the magical, smoke-producing crazy sand into the fire, and what are we in for? Zombies? Vampires? Lonely ghost children? Oh no, something even better. "The Tale of Jake the Snake." Of course.

Wiley is a lanky high schooler who just wants to play hockey, because when your name is Wiley, you don't have many other options except professional pickpocketry or chasing very fast birds with explosives. When I say he's "lanky", of course, I mean that Wiley looks like the thirty year old pizza delivery boy who hangs out at your local bar. That's why he's trying out for hockey and not, say, show choir (stay tuned for THE TALE OF THE POSSESSED SHEET MUSIC.) Unfortunately, Wiley isn't very good at hockey, and during the seventeen-day intensive tryout process, he embarasses himself time and again.

Wiley manages to break his stick at hockey practice, so the coach sends him to the "storage area" to pick up a new one. What's that? Your high school didn't have a creepy, abandoned basement under its hockey rink either? Shucks, and here I thought we'd been missing that high US News and World Report rating for a reason. So Wiley goes into the basement, and whaddyaknow, a shadowy figure is hanging out there, just waiting for the next kid to come and replace his broken hockey stick. This problem could be solved so easily if the town didn't rely on balsa wood.

Wiley follows the figure and eventually comes to a door, and through the glass he can see a shadowy, hooded figure who knows an odd amount about high school hockey. He tells Wiley about Jake the Snake. Who's that? Wiley asks. A 45-year-old prison convict with a meth addiction and an inferiority complex? Oh, no, it's the greatest hockey player the school has ever known. Well, that was my second guess.

In a confusing turn of events, Hood Man disappears into the floor and Wiley wanders around this abandoned room, eventually finding a jersey ("AWESOME!" he says. Does their hockey team not have a very big budget?) and a TOTALLY SWEET HOCKEY STICK. You know it's totally sweet because when he picks it up, the music goes, "Sha-wiiiing!" Also, it's emblazoned with the name Snake, so no prizes for guessing who put it there and whether that person is actually an evil snake man. Oh, oops.

Wiley takes the stick to practice the next day, and man, he is awesome. No one can stop him. Unfortunately, the side effect of the hockey stick is that it also turns you into a huge douchebag, so Wiley refuses to sit with his best friend at lunch because he's not on the team. Friend assumes that Wiley is joking, which I'm guessing isn't his first mistake in their seemingly abusive friendship. "Do we look like we're joking?" Wiley asks, and the camera pans over these very serious looking high school hockey players. It's slightly unclear whether the stick is affecting them too, or whether hockey players are just inherently evil. Wiley's friend walks away disappointed, because eating lunch with silent, angry people totally rules.

After school, Wiley looks down at his arm and realizes he has the beginnings of a disturbing rash. Maybe the Midnight Society should tell a story about the terrors of staff infections. Wiley goes to bed with the hockey stick next to him, because that's what dedicated hockey players do. That's why the Mighty Ducks could never form successful adult relationships. While he's sleeping, the hockey stick disappears under the sheets, and I was honestly worried that this might be the episode that tackled the ground-breaking topic of sexual assault by an evil inanimate object. Alas, though, the reality is much more sane: the hockey stick TURNS INTO A SNAKE and bites Wiley on the neck.

The next day, everything seems normal. Oh, except for the fact that Wiley is visibly more evil and his skin is peeling off. Did I say normal? I meant ridiculous. When Wiley's friend notices that his skin is shedding to reveal a snakey undercoat, Wiley shrugs it off and accuses his friend of being jealous. Well, of course. Who doesn't want to turn into a mutant snake man in order to win the Stanley Cup? It's actually the most common submission to the Make A Wish Foundation.

After a disturbing scene where Wiley attempts to eat his friend's science project mouse, he decides to go back to the basement and figure out why he's turning into a reptile. It's called puberty, Wiley. Too bad they never got around to writing What's Happening to My Body?: A Book for Snake-Boys. He finds the hooded dude again - what, has he been hanging out down there this whole time? Does he have wireless, at least? - and GUESS WHAT! It's not just the deformed janitor or an embittered ex-coach! It's a CRAZY SNAKE PERSON! Who saw that coming, because I really, really did not, seriously.

Hooded snake man tells Wiley that he's Jake "the Snake" Desmond, the high school's greatest and unfortunately most snakelike hockey player. Just like Wiley, he wanted to be the best. Don't they all, though? I mean, count your blessings, Wiley, at least you aren't stuck in a pinball game.

Jake reveals that he's been luring kids into the basement for years, tempting them with the glory of the high school hockey championship and then BAM!, turning them into snakes. Wiley seems totally screwed, but luckily, his ever-loyal best friend followed him to the basement and saw the whole thing. Herein follows a confusing fight sequence where the best friend gets dragged into an air vent, at which point I had stopped worrying about the end of the episode and started worrying about the demise of my personal sanity.

Speaking of which, hold on a second. Are we supposed to believe that this snake-human has been living in the high school basement, tempting students to use the hockey stick, so that he can turn them into snakes and ... put them in a box? Well, glaring problems with the story aside, Jake the Snake then dangles Wiley's friend over the box and threatens to drop him into it. The snakes are pretty small and look an awful lot like non-poisonous garters, but again, we're on a budget here. AYAOTD can't afford cobras.

There seems to be no way out of this horrible dilemma, except for the very obvious way out, which Wiley picks up on despite his previous complete lack of common sense. He breaks the stick over his knee, and the evilness rushes out in a cloud of green smoke. Hooray! Jake the Snake falls into his box of snake friends, who, like the hyenas in the Lion King, forsake him and swarm all over his body. Idiots! There will be a hockey champion! I will be hockey champion! Stick with me ... okay, enough of that.

Wiley and his friend have a touching, homoerotic moment, and they walk out arm-in-arm, as high school boys are so wont to do. And in the very surprising ending, we see the snake hand reach out of the box ... STILL ALIVE. Shit, what will we do? Surely more hockey players won't be tempted by greatness and turn into non-threatening snakes? This town's been going downhill ever since Jake the Greatest Hockey Player Ever gave up his career and moved into the high school basement.

Token minority character: Don't worry, Quinn's not just stereotypically black. He also introduces us to his good friend, Senor Fist. Esposo de Senora Knuckle Sandwich.

Abusive childhood friendship: I get that interventions are hard, but when your best friend tells you that you're turning into a snake, it's time to put down the stick. Man, are all these episodes just metaphors for drug addiction?

Interesting fact: TV.com says, "Believe it or not, this isn't the first episode to deal with the main characters turning into reptiles." You're right, I don't believe it. I don't think I believe in anything anymore.

Not very interesting fact: This is the only episode with a rhyming title. How unfortunate. I guess they must have scrapped The Tale of Schmampire the Vampire.