Season 4, Episode 40: The Tale of the Renegade Virus

Gary’s introduction: The human brain. It’s got a trillion bits of information, just like a computer. And if a virus got into your brain, there is no telling what might happen, or where the destruction would end. (Little-known fact: this segment is taken directly from the World Health Organization website.)

Review: The Renegade Virus is an old-school episode, which probably means more flannel, more high-waisted pants, and more unwanted appearances of recurring characters. At the beginning of the episode, Gary is uncharacteristically late for the campfire meeting. Maybe he forgot what time the Midnight Society meets. Oh no, not to worry - "He has a computer virus," Frank says. "Every time he tries to print something, it gets erased." Betty Ann nods and replies, "Scary!" Scary, really? I mean, inconvenient, definitely. Annoying. But if that's our definition of scary, this doesn't bode well for the rest of the season. "Every time he wants to go to bed, he has to move his laptop to the bedside table! You won't sleep for weeks!"

Gary gives us the lay of the land, and oh boy, we are building an elementary school on a swamp here. I can't actually imagine anything less interesting than a really mean computer virus, but you know what, I'm probably speaking too soon. I haven't reviewed The Tale of the Chameleons yet.

We start this thrilling episode with the image of a computer screen flashing "WARNING" and a skull and crossbones. I appreciate the thought, Nickelodeon, but I’ve already accepted that this story is going to be painfully bad. There’s no turning back now. So the computer screen disappears, and we’re taken to the comfortable familiarity of a buzzing alarm clock. Simon reaches to turn it off, then (in his sleep, mind you) grabs a basketball off the floor and throws it into a hoop on his wall. I’m sorry, what? I was able to suspend my disbelief for Air Bud, but this is far more ridiculous than a clown dog being allowed to start in a middle school basketball game.

The episode begins with a heartwarming interaction with several department store mannequins who turn out to be Simon's parents. It's never referenced again, but I think the real scary story here is the deadened look in Simon's dad's eyes. They enjoy a hearty breakfast of silence and then Simon runs off to start his campaign for the title of Worst Friend Ever.

Simon and Evan are best friends, which means they do all the classic best friend activities like playing catch, telling dumb jokes, and stealing each other's bikes and making them late for school. Evan goes to talk to the girl he has a crush on, but unfortunately, she and Simon are getting married on Saturday and wonder if Evan can check coats, thanks so much.

Fortunately for Simon, Evan is pretty forgiving, and since going to class is just a convenient plot device sometimes, they run off to play computer games with their favorite teacher. Like so many middle school science teachers, he's working on the virtual reality revolution. He says he has an idea that will "change the world." And he may be right, as long as he's thinking of Groupon.

He asks Simon if he wants to play his new virtual reality game where the controllers are in his brain. Dare to dream, 1992. Of course, Simon says yes and chooses the "Knights of the Round Table" simulation. For a second, the teacher's computer screen flashes WARNING and a skull and crossbones, but then it goes away, so I'm sure everything is just fine.

The teacher starts the game, and Simon blacks out and wakes up in his bed. He picks up his basketball to throw it into the hoop -- and MISSES. Little-known fact: the second sign of being trapped in an evil game is poor hand-eye coordination. The first is being a character in an Are You Afraid of the Dark episode.

So Simon wanders around his house, and in a surprisingly scary turn of events, his parents are missing but he can hear them talking all around him. This scene seems like it might be going somewhere good until Simon's bike rides past him on its own. What? I don't know much about computer viruses, but I think some of this science might come from the National Research Institute of Making Shit Up.

Simon hears his dad calling him from the next room, and when he goes in, his dad's desk chair is swiveled around to face the window. Gosh, could the person sitting in it possibly not be his father? How many times has the old swiveled-around-desk-chair trick been used on television? A zillion? More? You can't change the channel these days without seeing someone sitting in a chair that they normally wouldn't be sitting in.

Anyway, the chair turns around, and SURPRISE! It's not his dad! It's:

a. A midget with a metallic face!
b. Evan, completely naked!
c. A DEADLY AND UNBEATABLE GAME.

And the answer iiiiiissss ... B! No, just kidding, it's the even more improbable answer, A. Let me say it one more time, slowly, in case you didn't catch it: A. Midget. With. A. Metallic. Face. He tells Simon that he's a computer virus, and that now Simon is trapped in the game, he'll be able to input himself from the computer into Simon's brain, where he'll be able to cause "some real damage." Of course, Simon is a weak, gangly 13-year-old, so I hope the damage he's looking to do is all semen-related.

Simon protests - if this is a game, don't there have to be rules?! - and hold up a second. I can't believe I actually didn't realize this was another episode about a deadly game. I feel like I'm trapped in my own personal Groundhog Day, without the mannish attractiveness of Andie MacDowell. The midget virus replies that there is one rule: "I win, you lose." I assume that the second rule of computer virus club is that you do NOT talk about computer virus club. Because it's stupid.

So Simon has ten minutes before he's overtaken by an evil midget. Suddenly the house disappears and he's back in school, except obviously he's still in the game so everyone is mean and the school is locked. His best friend shows up with the girl he likes, he gets all the answers wrong in class, and suddenly he's in his boxers and looks like Skeletor. Sounds like pretty much every day of middle school ever, if you ask me.

He gets out of the school and runs back to his house, where the smartest thing is obviously to get onto the computer. He turns it on and sees Evan's face, and are you ready for the crazy twist? It turns out that Evan put the computer virus in the game, knowing that his friend would play it! Hold the phone. I mean, I know Simon stole Evan's personal possessions and the girl of his dreams, but siccing an evil midget on your friend is pretty low.

Simon explains that the midget is going to take over his brain, and Evan says he had no idea that the virus would get this bad - it's running its own programming now, and the only way to stop it is with the abort code! Ah yes, the abort code, so useful in so many unwanted situations.

Evan is about to tell Simon the secret code, but then the computer dies and there are negative seconds left before the Yeerks enter Simon's brain or whatever is supposed to happen. Simon tries out a few codes - Evan? Stacy? 8008S? - and none of them work. Think, Simon, think! What's the only set of numbers a middle-schooler has to remember? No, it's not the Parental Settings DVD code, it's his locker combination! Simon plugs it in just in time, and the virus' dreams of greatness are trampled like so many midgets in line for concert tickets.

Simon returns to the computer lab, where everything is back to normal. Evan apologizes for almost putting an irreversible computer virus in Simon's brain, and Simon forgives him by stealing Evan's bike again. Hey Mr. DJ, put on some Vitamin C. I think what we have here is a case of friends forever.

Least Interesting Twist Ever: I forgot to mention that as Evan and Simon walk away, we see a janitor wheeling a trashcan ... WITH THE MIDGET'S GLOVED HAND REACHING OUT OF IT! We might have gotten rid of that computer virus, guys, but we still have a pretty bitchy, shiny small person on our hands. We are not out of the woods yet.

Don't Take Stock Tips from Frank: "The only thing scary about computers is the people who use them." Yes, and stop all this nonsense about heavier-than-air flying machines while you're at it.

Conclusions: Oh my holy God. There is absolutely no twist I can put on this episode to make it not horrible. The only trivia I can provide is that after this episode, Gary was tarred and feathered and run out of town in a wagon. I'm just assuming.