Season 1, Episode 2: The Tale of Laughing in the Dark

Introduction from Betty Ann: The park was called Playland. It was the best. You could laugh and scream and get scared to death on rides, and stuff up on junk food and ditch your parents, all in one night. And there was a spookhouse called Laughing in the Dark ...

Synopsis: This episode starts without an introduction, which is frustrating because they usually let you know what to expect on the Painful Meter. On a scale from "generally uninteresting" to "the zombie apocalypse sounds great right now", I'm going to put this one at a healthy "Really?" At least it's better than the introduction where Frank reveals that he is indeed afraid of the dark. Come on, who's going to buy the Nickelodeon cow if they can get the Central Question of the Show milk for free? That's just poor planning. Let's just put it out there in the first episode: Tony's the boss, alright? Are you happy?

Anyway, the story starts, and immediately Kristen starts to pack up her stuff. Oh, this is a clown story, and she's terrified of clowns. Come on, Kristen, most of these stories are about male puberty, and you don't see Tucker going anywhere.

The kids use the crushing pressure of social scorn to make her stay, and seriously now, the story is starting. Apparently Playland is the best park ever, the kind of park where you can laugh, scream, get scared to death, eat junk food, ditch your parents, become slave children for one-handed carnies, anything! Anything is possible! And this particular night, it was jammed with "thousands" of people, because by Playland I meant Woodstock, duh.

Three of those thousands of kids are Josh, Weegee, and his sister Kathy. Hold the phone for just one second: Weegee? What is that short for? Luigi? Ouiji Board? I guess the first one is marginally better, but still, come on. Josh is the typical AYAOTD best friend (all together now): a huge douchebag. Just like Tucker, he's not afraid of anything, he mocks his friends for being scared, and he will eventually go on to make an appearance in "Mean Girls." After riding one of the vomit-inducing rides that are so rare at cheap carnivals, he and Weegee approach Laughing in the Dark, the one ride in the park that's supposed to be haunted. Apparently weird things happen in there all the time, which is totally unexpected considering it's a haunted house. It's especially haunted by the spirits of outdated animatronic vampires.

Josh thinks about going into the spookhouse, and luckily, there to welcome him is a friendly carnival worker. Of course, sometimes "friendly" means "probably on parole", like right now. He bears a striking resemblance to AYAOTD veteran Dr. Vink, but that's because it's actually just the same actor, diversifying his resume by playing another creepy old man. Josh says he'll go on the ride later, and Dr. Vink II tells him to come back any time - apparently he's literally always there. I love when AYAOTD skips over the lame horrors of clown attacks for the more serious horror of homelessness.

Back at home, Weegee inspects an old newspaper clipping he found tucked away in an old journal in the wall or something. They reminisce for a second about the days when they used to live in a boxcar, and then Weegee reveals the startling twist: Laughing in the Dark is not the original funhouse. It has been remodeled. They hired an overpriced construction company. Just kidding - I mean, that's true too, but they remodeled it because in the 1920's, a clown named Zeebo tried to steal the whole carnival's payroll of $4,000. I mean, it doesn't sound like a lot, but consider the fact that they're obviously giving that spookhouse guy free room and board on the ground outside his ride.

Anyway, Zeebo tried to hide in the Laughing the Dark funhouse, but his penchant for victory cigars got the better of him, and the funhouse burned down. According to the newspaper, they tried to save him ... oh, but they couldn't, too bad so sad, so instead they made a mock Zeebo and put it at the end of the haunted house. You know, to honor his memory. By trapping him in there for all eternity.

There are an awkward few minutes where Josh chases Kathy and tries to tickle her, which she puts a stop to by HITTING HIM IN THE HEAD WITH A GARBAGE CAN LID. "Don't mess, or I'll bung you in the head!" she says menacingly. Okay.

Josh and Weegee (FOUR E'S PEOPLE) make a bet that if Josh makes it through Laughing in the Dark alone and steals Zeebo's nose, Weegee will wear the nose to school for a week. That seems a little harsh until you consider that they're already wearing shirts from a woman's plus size store, so really it probably won't make much difference.

So they return to the park, and Josh goes into the funhouse alone. Man, I sure wish we had a poem to set the mood of what's to come. Oh, what's that? "It's the most fun in the park/When you're laughing in the dark." You thought the pirate ship was cool, but you have no idea. Turn off the lights and have a giggle, you'll practically shit yourself.

Josh goes through the haunted house, which, yeah, awful. The scariest monster is probably a zombie in a plaid shirt, which is accurate because 90's fashion has always been the most terrifying thing about this show. There's also a dragon that comes out of the wall and breathes fire. How did that get put in? Did someone say, "Okay, guys, hear me out. I know that one guy died in a terrible funhouse fire a few years ago, but I think I've got the solution: more fire." Yep, that's a lawsuit just waiting to happen.

Josh makes it to the end of the funhouse, which is a room with six different doors. Time for another rhyme: "Pick the right door and you'll go free/Pick the wrong door, and there he'll be." Hey Josh, I've got some catchy advice for you: "Getting stalked by clowns is probably horrid/P.S. Return your shirt to Torrid." Anyway, Josh picks the Zeebo door, and when the clown comes out in true, not-scary, totally-animatronic fashion, he steals his nose. SWEET. Finally, a reason to make fun of Weegee!

So Josh takes the nose and says, "You just made me a hero. I'm the guy who beat Zeebo." Yes, they'll be talking about this for years down in the old diner. That time you won your town the race, and touched a dead burn victim's face. Man, I should really just write for this show.

They stop the story for a second here because someone in the Midnight Society (probably Eric, let's just be honest) has a cramp, which, I have to admit, I thought was, "I have to crap." Hold on, guys, call of nature. Don't mind me. I'll just be twenty feet behind you in the forest, attracting bears and outdoorsy fetishists to our campground.

After that brief distraction, we get back to Josh, who is spending the night home alone because his parents are at the theatre. He starts heating up some spaghetti in the microwave when THE PHONE RINGS. Oh, but don't worry, it's just Weegee. But then THE PHONE RINGS AGAIN. Oh, but don't worry, it's just a gravelly-voiced clown demanding his nose back. I wonder if that spaghetti is done yet?

Josh goes to check on his food, but mysteriously, the whole microwave has filled with cigar smoke. What, Josh, you didn't want Linguini a la THC? Picky, picky. Zeebo has somehow replaced his spaghetti with lots of cigars, and when Josh looks down, he sees that Zeebo has written a "Z" in chocolate pudding on the ground. Here follows a sequence of Zeebo doing somewhat creepy but mostly useless things, like blowing up a balloon that says, "Give it back." At no point during this blatant case of breaking and entering does Josh think to call the police, though. Well, whatever, they're probably on Zeebo's side anyway, this town's chockablock with corrupt cops and their thieving red-wigged cronies.

Finally Josh goes back to the fairground, where the rides are all turned off - except for Laughing in the Dark. And now get ready for the most disappointing ending of all time: Josh goes back to the Zeebo door, gives the clown the nose and some complimentary cigars, and ... leaves. And that is actually the end. Oh, except for the fact that maybe Dr. Vink II is Zeebo, or Zeebo's friend, or something. The evidence is that they're both creepy and like cigars, which means ... oh shit ...



Wait, what?: Not only does the spookhouse feature a fire-breathing dragon, it also apparently burns cigars to produce cigar smoke out of the Zeebo-face sign. But don't worry, God himself couldn't sink this ship.

Just one more time for good measure: Weegee. WEEGEE.

Conclusionz: One of the better episodes, all in all. At least with Betty Ann we don't have to hear about Dr. Vink or a deadly game, amirite? A lot of people remember this one being scary, but I think they might be confusing it with "The Tale of the Crimson Clown." If you're questioning my judgement, remember that the scariest thing about this episode was actually a hot dish full of cigars. And that right there is my anti-drug.